"I Don't See You That Way"

"I don't see you that way"
As if being seen this way is a negative.
or somehow by you not being able to pinpoint my "otherness" it somehow takes the weight of being other off my shoulders.
Do you think Jews who could "pass" were sitting around praising the Nazi's for not going after them?
Why is it that your idea of Unity requires me to forget part of who I am?
Why does your idea of unity only identify with the aspects of me that you are able to catagorize?
Why do I stay silent when you say these things?
I stay that way to keep you comfortable and to keep my position of priviledge.
Because you are right. I do pass. I look, act, talk and sound like you. But I am not yours. Not until you can accept all of who I am can I ever be yours.
As a child I rejected half of who I am because I wanted to be yours.
As I grew I embraced what I had rejected only to find that you thought I was rejecting you.
Now, I want to reject you because you will not allow me to be me.
I do not want to be who you ascribe me to be.
I do not want to be who you understand me to be.
I want to be who I am.
I want to be who I was created to be.
I do not understand how "I don't see you that way" is a positive statement.
Nor do I understand how I am to engage with people I love once it has left their lips.
I could see those words in your actions but until the words left your lips I could ignore the truth.
I have answers for you. I know what words to say. Not that they will convince you...
But I refuse to say them. I refuse because I am not your teacher.
I refuse to say them because you have all the answers you want. Your answer was your statement.
And until you get beyond that. Until you figure out why there is problem being seen my way, I have nothing for you.
Not on any real level.
This cognitive dissonance is not a path I have had to walk. Therefore I can't help you.

But know I hate those words.
They are like bile in my mouth.
They identify for me (as if I did not already know) that you are not a person I can share my heart with.
It makes me weep to think how my home is destroyed by those words
But I am naive because I knew you held those words in your heart and still I pretended like I could make a home with you.
I acted the fool because I can play the part.
You wonder why people clump together in segregated groups. It is because in them there is understanding.
Here, I have lies.
It is not your fault.
It is mine.
I have lied to you about who I am.
That is only half true.
You have also created me to be who you think I am--and here's the kicker--without allowing me to to morph your understanding with the parts yet to be discovered.

Part of me think I should spend time talking about seeking a unity that makes everyone the same is like taking the color out of the world. But would you really understand. To me you only see in black and white. So what difference would it make?
I hoped in writing this I could find something and yet I find nothing. I want to leave you but you are all I know. You are killing me. But do I love myself enough to go? Or is the greater act of love the choice to stay?